Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sober January is a disaster.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
