Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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