Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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