we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
