low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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