but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
