It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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