I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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