he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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