I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
