I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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