Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
