I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
