Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
