toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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