i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
