i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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