How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
