what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
