I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
