When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
