I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
