maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
