I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
