So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
