Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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