I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
