He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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