also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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