Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
