he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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