so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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