I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
