I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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