I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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