did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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