The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
