My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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