I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
