Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
