dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
