based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
