She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
