mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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