well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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