the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
