it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
