there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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