bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
