you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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