nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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