apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
