my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
