After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
